The Diary of A Widow

I’ve heard so much advice and so many sentiments about grief. But something nobody has talked to me about is the debilitating identity loss. Having to rebuild your life with no choice in the matter. 

 I am grieving the love of my life, and I am also grieving the woman I was before I lost him. She is gone now, too. 

Interests aren’t the same. Hobbies don’t bring the joy they did before. Routines completely change. 

When you lose a spouse, you lose the one person who knew that intimate side of you that only a partner can know. All of your quirks, bad habits, patterns, secrets, comforts. 

Losing that, at least for me, was losing myself.

Mornings no longer have goodbye kisses before work. Afternoons no longer involve cooking dinner. There are no hugs after a long day or when I’m overwhelmed. 

The only thing that put my body fully at ease when I was upset, was laying on your chest. It was the most comforting feeling I have ever known. 

Now, when I need comfort the most, I cannot lay on your chest. 

I can’t get to know who I am now. Not yet, anyways. I am still fighting to survive each day. 

Perhaps I’ll be doing that for a long while. 

But, one day, I’ll meet her. I hope you’re by me when I do.